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Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007
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5:46 pm
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I miss Vegas... It's the only place I can really go to truly get out of depressed slumps. It's the only place I can go and completely clear my brain of all thoughts. I can wipe my brain and be free of prying, judgeful eyes. I enjoy that my sister and brother in law don't pry into things and even if they did they wouldn't judge me because they did anything and everything when they were my age. And I always miss my babies because there is nothing quite like the unconditional love a child can give...
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| Saturday, August 4th, 2007
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12:13 am
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I am so ready for this summer to be over. I need to be back to a busy and eventful life. I'm done with being here and feeling like I keep getting put on the backburner of things. I think one of my favorite Scrubs quotes really encompasses how I've been feeling all summer "Nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around."
I've just been sitting around and getting angry, resentful, and upset by people. I know they're busy, but it seems particularly recently when I've really needed people, the ones who should have been there haven't been. Like, I know Brighid is busy working 50 or 60 hours a week if not more.... but every single free moment she has is spent with her bf. And I do get that... but particularly when you know one of your friends needs you, can't you spend even half an hour away from your bf to be there for your friend? Even if just to talk to them? No... instead I got ignored for 2+ weeks and then only see her because he bf is in nyc. And maybe I would feel differently if I were busy instead of sitting around doing nothing but still.
And my sister hasn't been around either because she has a new bf and is spending a good majority of time with him. And so then, once again, I feel like a horrible person. I am happy for her but I'm greedy and jealous and I want my sister back. It's bad enough one sister is on the other side of the country... but that I'm used to. She's been gone since I was in the 6th grade... it's not like I can do anything about it. But I hate being left alone. My sisters were always more of parents then my own parents were and now more and more it's just me and my parents and I hate it.
I also guess my grandpa is back in hospice care at the nursing home because he has lost 20 lbs since january. It just gets more and more painful to go and visit. He never seems to know what is going on anymore. Most times you have to take a guess as to what time period he is in because often he'll be back in the war or something like that. Or like Thursday, where he is asking about people who have been dead at least as long as I've been alive. On Monday he had fallen and was also refusing to eat anything. While we were there they had a sandwhich they were giving him and my mom was trying to get him to eat, to no luck, and I almost just burst into tears right there. And my grandma is moving slower and more off balance... it really just seems like everything is falling apart.
I think I am most likely going to spend the next week in Lake Champlain with my sister and her bf though. Hopefully it will provide me a much needed break. I am looking forward to just being able to sit out in the sun and read with my ipod and just get away from here. Be able to get away from technology, clear my head. I'm not looking forward to necessarily being a third wheel but I'll deal with it. Cause really, I don't even care if they go off and do their own things and leave me be. As long as I have music and stuff to read I'll be fine. Heh, maybe now I won't be pure white anymore.
I can't wait to be able to return to my life and return to normalcy. Fredonia is strongly calling out my name. Only 2ish more weeks left and I can't wait. I have high hopes for this upcoming, final year. Hopefully it won't let me done.
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| Sunday, July 8th, 2007
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9:07 pm
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And it's amazing
With the look in your eyes
Like you could save me
But you won't even try
And then you tell me again
How everything will be alright
And if I told you
That I'm sorry
Would you tell me that you were wrong
Or would you hold me down forever
If I came to your for answers
And I saw
Pictures in my head
And I swear I saw you opening up, again
Cause I would be heavenly if
Baby you'd just rescue me now
And I'm surrounded
You spill
All alive and brand new
And I'll forget about you long enough
To forget why I need to
And I saw
Pictures in my head
And I swear I saw you opening up again
Cause I would be heavenly if
Baby you'd just rescue me now
The days are
Drifting away from me
I still wake up
Burning through everything now
And I saw
Pictures in my head
And I swear I saw you opening up again
I would be heavenly if
Baby you'd just rescue me now
Pictures in my head
I saw you opening up again
Cause I would be heavenly if
Baby you'd just rescue me now
current music: Matt Nathanson- I saw
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| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007
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12:39 am
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I'm so glad that at this time tomorrow I'll be in Vegas. I'm getting so antsy. I'm still jobless and pretty much job leadless. I might be able to get a job doing concessions at Paetec but that won't provide me with too much work even if I do get it. And a much as I want to get to Vegas, the fact that I am going to be gone for 2 weeks doesn't really help the job process.
I do need out before I turn into an alcoholic though... my family is driving me nuts and it is causing me to turn to alcohol... not a lot but a drink a day to relax... really not a very good thing.
But I am very excited for Vegas... lots to do. Lots of fun to be had. Relaxation without annoying parents. Turning legal. Apparently we are going camping this weekend and using the brand new camper that my brother-in-law bought, which, by the sounds of it, is a hotel on wheels... well not quite but still. I will also hopefully get to see MK, which excites me. I'm also going to do at least some work for my sister in order to bring in some income. Oh yeah, and did I mention turning legal and partying it up in style? Yeah, it excites me and makes me happy =) T-minus 24 hours =)
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| Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
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11:06 pm
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So I really don't know what to make of this whole end of the semester thing... It's really hard to believe that three years could fly by so fast. It's impossible to think of the fact that I'm going to be a senior next year and that one year from now I'm going to be getting ready to graduate... To be honest, it scares the shit out of me. The idea of not being in school anymore is daunting. And lets not even get into the fact that I'm most likely going to end up working at McDonalds for the rest of my life cause I want to work in a field that is impossible to get your foot in the door.
I had high hopes of being able to go to England this summer to study abroad and get to make a film but that idea has pretty much gone out the door. I still haven't been able to find out if the program is even happening. On top of that, I'm already broke as it is. By going to England not only am I going to be costing my father thousands of dollars for me to go but he is going to have to support me for the next year because I wouldn't be able to work this summer. So today I made the decision to say screw the trip. Now the search is on to try and actually get a job and see if I can find some last minute internship deal. I did applications for 2 different blockbusters today, one of which if I worked at I would probably spend a good chunk of the summer living at my sister's apartment. I also got a phone number from my acting teacher this semester, to try and hopefully get in with some production companies for the summer.... here's hoping this actually works...
And I really don't know what to do with my personal life. I know I need to make a decision and take care of it now but I just can't do it. It doesn't matter how many times a day I get told that I am better than all of this nonsense.... you can't help how you feel. And that almost makes me hate myself more. I end up turning to brain waves of me not being good enough, not being pretty enough, being too fat, and whatever other excuses my brain can come up with. I see people who can jump from one person to another so quickly and that makes it seem even more unfair... Why do I always have to like the people I can't have? I think its a curse...
Well if nothing else... 19 days till I'm 21... 2 weeks till Vegas and 2 weeks till I get to see the MK :-) At least I will truly needed by my nieces when I go to Vegas
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| Sunday, April 15th, 2007
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11:32 pm
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So really..... you know there is absolutely no hope in life when you can't even get used for sex by the guy you're interested in.... *shakes head*
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| Sunday, April 1st, 2007
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6:14 pm
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So I really have kind of decided that I despise all men. Know matter what they always seem to fail you and/or stab you in the back. People complain about having that problem with females, but you know what, if they do stab you in the back at least you expect it. You don't expect guys to do it to you and I think in some aspects that makes it hurt worse. Seriously, what I forsee happening better not happen. If it does there will be hell to pay and there are some people who better not expect me to talk to them anymore.....
current mood:  disappointed
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| Saturday, March 17th, 2007
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10:25 pm
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Sometimes I feel like going to church is kind of bad for me. It causes me to think too much. Tonight was the first time I had been in a while, and I was so close to almost breaking down in tears in the middle of it. I'm just struggling so much with some stuff because I don't know what to do about it. My brain tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. And for some reason complaining about head vs. heart makes me want to go read Jane Eyre... go figure.
But anyways, sprink break is this week. Definitely looking forward to a week of sleeping, possibly reading, and watching lots of movies. I know I'm not going to really end up doing anything cause no one is really around. But who knows, life sometimes surprises you.
Hopefully I can also make some headway into figuring out what I'm doing this summer over this week. I'm almost tempted to saying screw it to finding an internship and just working on finding a job here for the summer or try and make plans to stay in vegas. However, the girls are old enough at this point that they're doing other stuff and knowing my luck my nannying skills would not be needed. It feels like 50 million people are going to Vegas this summer which almost makes me want to go out there because I feel like I would get more visitors in Vegas then I ever do in Rochester. *sigh* whatever... Only 2 months and 10 days until I'm 21 though, which is a nice bonus.
And now for song lyrics cause that seems to be all I'm capable of recently...
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
current music: Avenue Q
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| Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
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11:56 am
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Really, I don't ask for a lot. So why does it seem so impossible to get? I'm sick of falling so hard for people that I can't get the same response from. I've never felt quite like this before and it kind of scares me. Yet I can't even ever be able to talk about the situation with him. So how am I supposed to be able to figure out what to do... or maybe that in and of itself is my answer. If I can't even be given an opportunity to talk about it then maybe it isn't worth fighting for or caring about... I really just wish I knew.
current music: Dixie Chicks- Not Ready to Make Nice
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| Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
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10:15 pm
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Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.
Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?
So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.
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| Monday, February 26th, 2007
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5:01 pm
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This pretty much sums up just about everything:
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.
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| Monday, January 15th, 2007
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10:43 pm
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I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You
I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me
May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you
~ Joseph Arthur- In the Sun
This one really kind of stuck me today... in a way kind of summarizes how I feel about stuff right now
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| Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
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9:30 pm
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All right, time for a much over due update...
Things are going pretty well for once. Break is getting old fast but I pretty much knew that that was going to happen. My days are pretty much spent doing absolutely nothing, maybe watching the 50 millionth movie. As much as I hate working, I wish the rectory hadn't decided to royally screw us over. Hell, even if I had only worked like 4 hours it would be better then nothing and it would have gotten me out of the house.
The semester as well as '06 ended on fairly high notes. The Val bullshit from the end of the semester is finally done. She's gone and thats that. Do I wish things could have happened differently? Yes, but its over. Whatever. I'm extremely happy with my grades- my gpa for the semester was 3.84 and my overall gpa is really close to a 3.5 now. Hopefully I can keep it up for next semester but I am back to the world of hours of production as well as Jane Jackson next semester so lord only knows what will happen. If nothing else, if next semester isn't as good, I had this semester to help bring my gpa up and help balance it out. My grade stress had been caused by other people and there getting kicked out of Fredonia, but as of today Forma got his gpa back above a 2.0 and everything is ok. One less thing to worry about.
Christmas was good because I got my beautiful new computer. I am in love. Even if nothing else, nothing beats having a freaking 20 inch LCD monitor. Love. It's full of tons of pretty new toys such as finally having a dvd burner as well as fun things like webcam, microphone... I can't wait to finally be able to load it up with editing programs and enjoy the fact that I can have mac programs as well as windows all on one pretty computer.
New Years Eve was awesome. Jessica, Jaime, and I went up to Fredonia to do our partying with Cathy and Lisa as well as Tinaface for a while. And I was special enough to get my new years kiss from the one and only Jamie Fast, and no, there was no girl on girl action so don't get excited. However, the freedom of Fredonia has been making being home rougher. Since I've been home I seem to be even more bored and my parents are driving me even more nuts. Now, this could just be cause the whole holiday rush is over but who knows.
I'm hoping for good things in this new year. '06 definitely had it's ups and downs, however, I think there were more downs then ups. Such is life. Things for '07 are looking good though. I hope anyways. We'll see what the year brings...
current music: WDVL
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| Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
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1:47 pm
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So I really just need this semester to be over... like immeadiately. I can't deal with all of this nonsense anymore. I have enough stress from school and life in general without my fucking roommate adding stupid, petty, childish, jealousness into the mix. I'm sick of her putting horribly mean direct attacks at me in her away messages cause she isn't enough of an adult to confront me with her problems.
Her current away message: the mentality of petty jealous bitches continues to astonish me. the belief that jealousy over a manwhore can be even a momentary irritation is selfcentered and plain old dumb. that such people allow themselves to be blinded from the real world and see it only as they wish to is pathetic and sad. until they realize that there is more to this world than boys, especially manwhores, they really need to lock themselves in a rubber room so-as not to piss of too many people who believed in the myth of friendship and common decency.
Who does this? Honestly... there really are no words for it. I will take some of the blame for this, I should have said something to her when all the bullshit started and for that I'm wrong. But she really doesn't know what she is talking about as far as any of this is concerned. She "knew how I felt from the beginning and she tried to warn me that she didn't want to see him" That is fucking bullshit. She says that she gave us "warnings" but she says that she says these things that she really doesn't. It's what she thinks she is saying but she really isn't. I'm sorry, I can't interrpret childish "code" Just fucking say what you want to say.
*sigh* I have more that I want to be able to say and get out but I have class so whatever...
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| Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
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11:07 am
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"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and live happy forever--give me a break! Nine out of ten of 'em end because they weren't right for each other to begin with and half of the ones that get married get divorced anyway and I'm tellin' ya right now, through all of this stuff, I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, ya' know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care. 'Cos I do believe in it. Bottom line is couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right and they're really lucky. One of them will say something."
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| Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
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12:35 am
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Fucking douchebags and there trying to make me feel bad for them.... cause it usually ends up working and I hate them for it.
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| Saturday, November 18th, 2006
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12:23 am
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So drunken boys usually = dumb. Seriously, I don't know how Mike and Andy are still alive. *shakes head* stupid boys...
However, I'm still kind of floating around on cloud 9... I'm really just hoping that this goes in a good direction for once and I'm not getting my self set up for disappointment.
Currently on break which means lots of sleep for me and hopefully fun since I have no responsibilities for the entire week. Today has already been a good week. I got a call around 8 tonight and I ended up going to Starbucks with Brighid. Plus, while at Starbucks Pat just happened to stop in. Totally made my night. I'm already liking him living so close to me.
Angelbabygirl25 (11:20:04 PM): awww you're so happy about it.....i've never seen you like this before :-)
p.s. I hearts zee MK.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Rent
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| Monday, November 13th, 2006
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11:52 pm
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So I'm definitely going into silly, giddy school girl mode.... I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing yet. However, I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will be a good thing and that for once in my life something might actually go right.
current mood:  bouncy
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| Sunday, October 29th, 2006
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11:58 am
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I really feel like I don't know what to do these days anymore. My brain is one huge clusterfuck of a mess. It seems like it never holds still for a minute- it's constantly churning. Always with stuff I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about. And I know that line would be followed by 20 million lines of 'you can always talk to me about anything' but it really isn't that simple. Half of it if I talked about it would most likely hurt someone I care about in one form or another or they're things which right now are just so painful to me that I couldn't even imagine trying to talk about it to anyone, whether it be embarrasment or whatever else. I know I'm probably going to have to start going to counseling again but I really don't want to. I thought that I was finally past all that.
I don't ever even have any time to myself to even try and deal with any of it. Val is driving me crazy because of the fact that she is always there. How are you supposed to deal with anything when your only "time to yourself" is with other people, because it consists of leaving the person who is constantly in your room and spending time with other people. I'm not even allowed to cry most of the time anymore when I would want to because she's always here. It sometimes feels like my only escape is to go take a shower because that's the only place I can go to completely be by myself and be able to cry in peace.
I feel just like I'm losing faith in everything. My basis for everything I believe in I feel like is no longer true. It's times like these when I really miss Chris. Even when he was the cause of half of my problems he was always able to give me the strength and faith I needed to keep going through everything and to not give up. Now I seem to be at a dead end with nowhere else to go and noone else to turn to. 3/4 of the people I know don't have any true faith or it's not something that I can pull the strength I need from.
P.S. the recurrence of family members dying in my dreams over the last couple months really does not help anything at all.
current mood: lost
current music: Evanescence
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| Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
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1:18 am
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So what do you do when something happens that you really can't talk to anyone about? Yeah, that's me right now....
I hate being me...
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